I hope I’m not alone when I say that I am sometimes totally overwhelmed by the prospect of gift-giving. I’m on Pinterest or walking in a store and thinking to myself, “how the heck are there all these things in the world?” There’s gift guides for just about every single shape and size and kind of person, and in my opinion, it’s entirely too much.
I’ve given up. Truly. Here’s what you’re getting this Christmas from me, most likely. And if you’re anything like me, this might just be what that person in your life is looking for.
- A newspaper subscription. Whether they actually get around to reading it is another story, but it looks nice on the table.
- A Yankee Candle.
- A box of cornflakes. Not going to lie, this is my default Secret Santa gift when I go to a party. I’m sorry to all the people I’ve disappointed over the years.
- That body wash you bought on sale from Bath & Body Works but never got around to using. Oops.
- Your Netflix password. THIS IS A JOYOUS GIFT, PEOPLE.
- That thing you bought on Black Friday simply because everything you really wanted was sold out and you needed to feel like your time was worth something.
- A framed picture of you from second grade. If anything, it’s a good laugh (especially second grade me, who lacked front teeth entirely and had triangle-shaped hair. Woof.)
- A Chia Pet. Are those still a thing? I hope so.
- A list of things you like about them. You smell nice. You’re really good at making scrambled eggs. You tolerate my awkward dancing. There: instant friendship.
- A gift card you’ve had in your wallet for the past three months with a questionable balance.
- An ugly sweater. Not an ugly ~Christmas~ sweater, just a sweater that you particularly happen to dislike and would rather see on someone else.
- A Snuggie. Especially this one.
- An ice scraper, because honestly I never remember to have one of these in my car and my driver’s license has enough nicks and scratches to prove it.
- A book of Dad jokes. “Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.”
- Gum. Lots of it. Especially for those friends who ask you every time you pull out a pack with your ***last piece*** if they can have some.
- That college textbook you never read, but hey, it might be worth something on Amazon.
- Nail clippers.
- A mixtape of all the tunes your middle-school self listened to on your MP3 player. This is intimacy at its finest, folks.
- Your honest opinion about their hair, their dog, their Christmas wreath…whatever. It’s the most wonderful time of the year, right?
- A pair of socks.
Wishing you an extraordinarily ordinary Christmas this year…and hey! I turn 21 tomorrow. That’s pretty neat.