Hey friends.

So I guess I’ve got a few things to apologize for…one is for not posting on here in FORever. Remember those weekly resolutions that I promised to do? Yeah, those didn’t really happen. The only thing I’ve really been keeping up with is working out, and even that’s started to fall to the wayside a little bit.

If you’re expecting this blog post to be superficially happy, I’d encourage you to stop reading. This blog post is just a small amount of real talk, and a conversation I feel like I need to have with myself, and in turn, you, loyal readers {you’re now loyal because you made it past the first two paragraphs.}

Confession: I’m not doing okay right now.

Don’t let a cheery Spring Break album, a perfectly planned campaign, or an insightful Facebook quote fool you. It’s true, I cater my social media to reflect the blessings in my life. But there are also a bunch of things that honestly, have worn me down.

I am struggling with my faith.

I’ve lost some relationships that are really important to me, a lot because of my own doing.

I’m dealing with a lot of failures and closed doors that I can’t understand.

I’ve been trying so hard to keep my head afloat with what I’m doing that I’ve lost sight of the purpose of it all.

I’ve become impatient, irritable, and pessimistic. There are days when I want to drop everything that I am doing and run away from everything. And more often than not I find myself doubting God’s ultimate plan for my life.

But it just seems so much easier to keep living the lie—maintaining the images, keeping up the appearances, assuring myself that if I keep pretending that I’ve got it together eventually it will be so. That if I don’t, the people that look up to me are going to be disappointed, because they’re going to see who I really am.

Who I really am?

That’s right. This is who I am.

Yes, I am the fun, free, life-loving Jeanette Morelan—but I am also the girl who makes mistakes, says things she shouldn’t have, and hurts people when she’s angry. I am the girl who would rather not admit to you that she’s got her problems because at the end of the day all she wants is to be loved and accepted.

Thinking about this brought Romans 5:8 to mind: “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

The “while we were still sinners” part is the phrase that really gets me. Yes, I’m not okay. I’m not the person that I want to be, nor the person that I should be. But it’s okay because that person is unconditionally loved by God. And even on my best days, the ones that are worth posting on Facebook about or hanging up on a wall—God’s love for me is just as much as those days when I don’t even want to exist.

I can look back on this past semester and say that there have been a lot of moments when I haven’t been acting like a Christ follower. But I also know that the biggest part of being a Christ-follower is being able to accept when you’re way off track. It’s learning that Christ shines through our cracks. The glory of His love is made perfect in our imperfections.

So I’m admitting to myself, and the world around me: I’m not okay. And I’m really okay with it.

I hope this small rant will hopefully encourage you to be okay with that too.

2-Corinthians-12-9-web

xoxo,

Screenshot123121055AM-2

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “an apology {why i’m okay with not being okay}

  1. Jeanette, this was beautiful, sweet sister. I have been struggling with some of the same exact things this semester. Social media gets so entangled in our human desires for acceptance. And it’s hard to feel comfortable at church in The South where it’s a total to-do and social requirement. What we’ve both been going through reminds me of the parable of the Prodigal Son. Remember no matter what, God, like the father in the parable, will run to meet you where you are despite your mistakes. I will be praying for God to meet you, sista 3x over. Best of luck with your campaign, it is truly perfectly planned and totally adorbs. MAOT, DYW & Theta love.

  2. Needed this today, Jen…you’re amazing. Don’t ever let yourself get you down. This time next year, you’ll be in a whole new world (cue Aladdin music)… But for real. I was going through a really rough patch around this time last year. This have 80% turned around this year. I can’t say 100%, because there will always be downs to go with your ups…but after realizing that I’m 21 years old and in a truly blessed position, it’s a little easier to let God take the wheel while you enjoy your college years.

    Don’t let yourself get you down.

    1. Hey girl! Didn’t know that you read my blog! Haha :) Thank you so much for your encouragement…it’s really good to know I’m not the only one in this position too!

  3. You’re just getting started Jeannette. Remember what I’ve told you before…it’s OK to not be all that organized and spot-on. Give yourself a break from carrying the world and all its foibles on your shoulder – and by all means; get off your own back.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s